A new relationship in my life recently left me with a lot of uncertainty. I was left with a raft of unanswered questions – questions that weren’t for me to answer. Nor was I in control of when they’d be answered, or what the answers would be and yet they’d have a direct impact on my life.
Feeling so disempowered left me also feeling vulnerable and just a little angry. Unsurprisingly my joy was also affected. Just like everybody else, I can can feel knocked sideways by life and fall out of my flow.
But then I remembered…
I am not a fan of uncertainty, but what I have learnt is that I can handle this uncertainty surrounding me when I feel solid within myself.
What do I mean by that? To me, feeling solid within means clear in my mind, fully expressed in my motions, and grounded in my body.
So if you are currently feeling unsure of where your relationship is going, or you are in the middle of difficult conversations here are five ways I bring myself back to that solid, grounded feeling.
- BE CLEAR: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Do you know what you want out of this relationship? If you don’t, take time out to think about it. Sit and journal on your ideal outcome, or take some time to envision what your ideal relationship would look like. It should make your body feel alive and uplifted!
- MAKE SURE YOUR PARTNER KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT
I have always been a direct communicator (well I am Australian!). However I haven’t always been good at communicating what I want and need in a relationship, but it is something I have worked on. Our partners sadly can’t read our minds and they often think differently to us, so you have to tell them what you want and be clear on this. Try framing the conversation in the following ways:
“I am really looking for you to make more effort in the relationship to show me that you care.” [WHAT YOU WANT + WHY]
“What that looks like is booking a restaurant for dinner or surprising me with a bunch of flowers.” [THE BEHAVIOURS YOU WOULD SEE IF THEY WERE DOING THE THING YOU WANT]
- UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY WANT
As it can be hard to hear the answer, we often avoid getting into the detail of a situation because we might not like what they say. To really strive for an authentic, open and honest relationship, those conversations have to be had! It will also clear up a whole heap of uncertainty!
So ask your partner, what do they want in this situation? What would they like you to do differently? This doesn’t necessarily mean you will make these changes, but you need to understand their position so you can make informed choices moving forward.
- MAKE SOME DECISIONS
Based on the information you’ve gained from the activities and conversations above, you can decide what course of action you want to take. Can you wait and see how the situation unfolds? Can you make a simple compromise? How long are you willing to stay in this uncertainty? Is there any further action you can take to help alleviate the uncertainty? If you can’t take the uncertainty any longer, what is the alternative?
- LOOK AFTER YOURSELF
When going through periods of high uncertainty I check in with myself every day. What do I need today? Exercise, good food, rest? Friends? Quality time with my partner without talking about our situation? Stay connected with your needs and those of your body and give yourself permission to change your position if you need to.
Taking into account these 5 steps, know that you have made a choice (to stay with the uncertainty), and that choice is always something you are in control of. Once I reconnect with the fact I have control in this situation, over my own thoughts, actions and choices – and have done everything I feel I can, then I can relax a little, let go of the outcome, sit with the uncertainty for awhile longer, and see what happens.
Sometimes there is no easy or quick answer to things, and we need time to figure things out or for something to shift and change. We also need to grant others the time to do the same.