With 1st November marking National Stress Awareness Day, Alternatively Healthy is here to provide you with the ultimate toolkit to managing stress and anxiety on the daily. Stress can impact so many facets of our lives, from nutrition and exercise to our love lives. Today, with the help of relationship coach Persia Lawson, we tackle the latter. Over to you Persia…
In many ways, our love lives have never been more stressful than they are today.
Most of my love-coaching clients come to me because of how frustrated they are by the modern dating scene, which can often feel like a ruthless battlefield, or an audition to find – and be – the perfect mate.
They explain how they’re fed up of constantly being asked why they’re “still single” at family gatherings, and of seeing everyone on their social media feeds getting engaged, married or pregnant, while they feel hopelessly left behind in the wings.
Others are struggling to recover from a painful break-up (often with someone they once believed they’d spend the rest of their life with), and are feeling heartbroken, insecure and full of self-doubt.
The ones in relationships are also finding it hard, panicking that perhaps they’re with the wrong person, or that their partner doesn’t want the same things they do for the future.
My friend Joey and I wrote about these romantic dilemmas in our book ‘The Inner Fix’ (can hyperlink to: http://www.theinnerfix.com), and we also shared the 3 step spiritual process that helped us move through these stresses to attract and sustain the healthy and functional (for the most part) relationships we’re both in today – here it is:
1) Pin down the problem
Before you can move towards a solution to your romantic stress (or any other kind of stress), you must first get really clear on what – and why – you have your particular problems in the first place.
Much of the time, we focus and obsess about the external issues or behaviour that we’re struggling with – whether that’s anxiety, depression, heartbreak, debt, weight gain, drinking too much, or anything in between.
Whilst these behaviours do need to be dealt with, they are often symptoms of deeper issues bubbling away below the surface that stem from unresolved pain or trauma from our childhood or adolescence (and make no mistake, we all carry some form of baggage from our past – even if it might not seem as heavy or extreme as other people’s.)
If you want to understand why you’re struggling in your love life, ask yourself the following question (and ideally, write down your answer in a notebook or journal in as much detail as you can):
What were the most painful/ frightening/ significant things that happened to me during my childhood or adolescence?
We can almost guarantee that the answer to this question will have influenced a lot of your choices and behaviour in your past relationships. So, although this may be a difficult task, it’s the first – and most essential – step in your personal path to happiness.
2) Be open to the solution
Once you’re aware of the root of your romantic problems and stresses from doing the exercise above, you’re then in the position to begin the process of healing those old wounds so that you can move forwards.
In the book, we share our belief that the solution to all our problems lies in developing a spiritual connection of our own understanding – one that will help us experience the sense of love, peace and joy that’s already inside of us (even if we don’t know how to access it just yet).
To some people, this idea may seem clear and straightforward, to others, it may sound esoteric and not at all tangible.
A spiritual connection is an intensely personal experience – one that’s very difficult to explain or do justice to in this short blog post. However, what we do know is that if you’re open and willing to developing your own connection of this kind, you’ll be guided to exactly what will best speak to you.
Therefore, try saying this following affirmation out loud as a statement to yourself – and the universe – that you’re ready to release the past and embrace a happier future:
I am ready, open and willing to develop a spiritual connection that makes sense to me.
Once you’ve made this statement, keep your eyes and ears alert, as we have no doubt you’ll start to receive guidance from all manner of sources. This often comes in the form of coincidences and synchronicities –for example, a friend sending you a book about spirituality that you’ve been thinking about buying for some time.
Make no mistake though, the amount of time and work it takes to heal past pain from relationships can be very challenging. But, the results you’ll experience when you come out the other side will be well worth the effort.
And if you want a specific ‘spiritual’ tool that will help reduce anxiety and stress over your love life (and give you the confidence and clarity to attract the relationship you most desire) you can access my free meditation to help you do so here. (hyperlink to: https://www.persialawson.com/new-page-59)
3) Focus on your future
Once you’re some way into developing a spiritual connection of your own understanding (along with any additional therapy or self-development work that you may have decided to undertake in the process), it’s then time to start getting clear and focused on what you want in a relationship in the future.
I believe that you get what you ask for in this life, so if you want a great relationship, do what I did – ask for it!
Write down how you would like your ideal relationship to FEEL – for example: secure, exciting, passionate etc.
Next, write down a list of all the inner qualities you’d love your future partner to have, putting a star next to any that are non-negotiable for you e.g. kind, loving, supportive etc.
This serves as a benchmark for your love life going forwards: if the person you’re on a date with doesn’t possess any of your non-negotiable values or qualities (and the date doesn’t feel the way you want your ideal relationship to feel), this might not be the right person for you.
However, don’t lose heart because trust me – there are plenty of others out there who will be.
I hope this process supports you in banishing as much romantic stress from your life as possible – trust me, if you commit to it, it really does work!
All my love,
Head to persialawson.com for tons more free resources to help improve your love life.