If you want a plant to grow, you have to water it. You have to tend to it, pull out any weeds that you’ve allowed to grow, nourish the soil, give it the right amount of sunlight, protect it from the harsh winds, and give it love and energy every single day. Otherwise it will die. Similarly, if you want to master the piano or learn how to speak French, the more time and energy you invest into practice, the better you will get. Both these principles apply for your relationships too. The more love, time and energy you invest in them, and the more consistent your efforts, the more your relationships will grow, open wider and go deeper.
The grass is greener where you water it.
There is a misconception that once you meet your soul mate it will be all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, when you met your ‘one’ the real work only just begins. Because when you enter a conscious partnership with your one, there is nowhere to hide. They call you to rise! They reflect back to you things that need to be looked at as they are your biggest spiritual assignments. All relationships are.
Nick and I are both aware we can never rest on our laurels (so to speak) when it comes to our relationship. Just because things are flowing now, doesn’t mean we can ignore our relationship and coast along in complacency. Instead, we work on it now (every single day), while the sun is shining — nourishing it, strengthening it, and cherishing it. Both of us want to continue to grow, support each other’s evolution, and be of service to the relationship and each other. And we both fully believe that when we serve the other, we serve ourselves.
If you want to serve your partner — and be an epic, wholehearted lover — here are my top ‘lessons learned’ to evolve and strengthen your relationship so you can become an epic lover.
BE A TEAM PLAYER
The two of you are a team. And you are on the same side, not opposing sides. (I think sometimes we forget this.) That means there is no point keeping score (i.e. ‘I took the rubbish out, so I get to put my feet up.’ Or, ‘I picked up the kids, so I get to go to yoga.’) Bitter tally-keeping will not do either of you any good. You’re on the same team, so help each other out! If Nick is full with work, I will do school drop-off and pick-up, and vice versa. You are there to help and support each other, not tear each other down.
Take interest in their passions and work. Ask how you can help and if there is anything you can do to support them furthering their dreams — and engage them in supporting yours. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend to like football, wear the jersey of his favourite team, down beers and scoff Doritos. Simply listening (with both ears) to your partner talk about how much he loves football and how his favourite team just won the grand final can really make their day. Just as trusting them to care about your passions gives them room to return the favour.
Us humans want to be heard all the time. So it’s imperative that we practice consciously listening to our partners — without interrupting and without simply waiting until it’s our turn to talk. It’s challenging because we all have opinions and we want to give them, but when your partner walks in the door, open your arms and just listen and let them express themselves. Once you can feel they are finished, then you share.
PRAY FOR THEIR HEALTH + HAPPINESS
At the end of my meditations, I pray for Nick’s health and happiness. I pray he feels inner joy, peace, happiness and contentment and I send him love.
BE THE PARTNER YOU DESIRE
It’s very easy to sit back and demand our partner to show up a certain way, pleasure us a certain way, and make us feel like a queen. But why can’t we be the ones who show up first? Be the partner YOU desire instead of waiting for them to take the lead. YOU show up first!
DECIDE TO RISE
I’ll be the first to admit that there are times when I act like a three-year-old and chuck an Oscar-worthy temper tantrum. But really, is that serving anyone?! The answer is a big fat NO! Make the choice to rise above the moods and pettiness that affect us all sometimes.
YOUR LOVER IS YOUR LOVER
Your lover is not primarily your consoler, coach, hairdresser, personal trainer, bestie, spiritual healer, fashion stylist, yoga buddy, accountant, business adviser or (metaphorically speaking) your punching bag. Sure, he might actually be a personal trainer and train you three times a week, but first and foremost he is your lover, so treat him that way. Let him sit in his zone of genius and be your lover. Your relationship will be way better for it.
GET YOUR FIX ELSEWHERE
Perhaps you LOVE a long conversation but your partner is not a massive talker. And that’s okay! Don’t try to fix, change or improve him. Your man may not want to sip herbal tea and chat for hours with you. If that’s the case, go get your fix somewhere else. Chat to your girlfriends on the phone, meet up for a walk or catch up for a tea, whatever you need to do to get your fix. The same applies if he loves a chinwag and you’re more of a thinker — he will always have other friends who can answer that need. Don’t see your differences as fatal incompatibilities — simply give each other permission to satisfy those areas with siblings, friends or colleagues.
TREAT HIM LIKE YOUR KING
I call Nick my ‘king’, because I realise that if I desire him to treat me like a goddess queen, I must first treat him like my king. If you started treating your lover like your king, how would you speak to him when he walked into the room? How would you act around them? Treat your lover the way you want to be treated.
BE THEIR LOVE, NOT THEIR MUM
Neither you nor your partner wants to be bossed around and told what to do. So not sexy! Of course, if they aren’t pulling their weight around the house an open conversation may need to be had and vice versa, but remember there is nothing sexy about being yelled at and ordered around.
PERFORM RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS
There are so many things you can do to keep the magic alive each day. For example, leave love notes around the house or slip them in his bag before you leave for work, book in a ‘date night’ once a week, send some cute (or sexy) text messages to him throughout the day, give him a full-body massage, run him an Epsom salts bath after a long day at work, make him his favourite meal, or pop a pair of your sexy underwear in his work bag or lunch box… that’ll be sure to get him smiling!
We are all full (I don’t use the word ‘busy’) and we all have to-do lists and inboxes that seem to never end, but if you don’t make the time to ‘water’ your relationship, it will not grow. You have to make it a priority, just like you would with exercise or a work deadline. Schedule your ‘lovers time’ in your calendar and stick to it. Otherwise you are just roommates who occasionally have sex or ‘rub genitals’, as author David Deida would say. A strong relationship requires time and nurturing.
For more epic relationship tips make sure you pre-order my next book Open Wide The Radically Real Guide To Deep love, Rocking Relationships and Soulful sex.